My journey through the vast darkness of abandonment has been long, hard and bloody painful. Yet it is the one aspect which has shaped my life and given me the most potent gifts.
Through this pattern, I have come to learn the raw depth of humanity, the law of karma, the weight we carry from our past life choices, from our ancestors and how these manifest in the life we live now.
Abandonment has taught me everything I needed to know and continue to learn about the soul, for it has led me towards the Shamanic Path and the beauty of Shadow Work. And every day, I am touched by the energy of abandonment, and every time it comes to caress my face, it awakens another part of my heart, long closed and thought dead.
Abandonment has woven her many threads of grief, anger, despair, and frustration through the very core of me, and has equally blessed my life with the gifts of resourcefulness, humility, forgiveness and compassion.
The most potent lesson I learned from abandonment, is the art of polarities, and how we cannot be one without being the other.
How everything in life, is made of these polarities, and when one aspect is dominant, it’s counterpart is somewhere, hidden from view, yet not as silent as we may wish to think.
Through this lesson I came to understand, that to have been abandoned, also meant that I too was capable of abandoning. This realisation gave me the microscope to see how I had abandoned myself all of my life and through this painful eye of my heart, there was a lot of reckoning to do, to make friends with. A lot of emotions to wade through and bring to the surface. A lot of shit to own.
I had always blamed and held accountable the woman who gave birth to me, and subsequently abandoned me for all the shit in my life, everything that never went right, and all the wounding and trauma I suffered. Quite frankly I had this love-hate relationship with her, never quite knowing or understanding what it was all about, only that it caused me pain, even though I tried to ignore it.
This ‘relationship’ clouded everything, caused division in my family, and there were times when I wished I was dead, wished I hadn’t been born. I mean how could a Mother, a Woman do that to her own child, to her own flesh and blood?
Yet I too grew to be a woman.
A woman who went on to also reject motherhood, to deny her body and her soul the chance of giving birth to another. A woman who went on to dream, create and manifest amazing and wonderful projects, to carry them through gestation, then abandon them right before she could birth them.
A woman who had come to know death on every level, who had made life and death choices, and chose to dance with death every time. A woman who welcomed death and turned her eye from life and birth.
As my journey continued, through these comfortable realms of death, darkness and shadow work, I came to understand the beauty and depth of this pattern and how abandoning children was also a thread which wove its presence through my blood lineage.
Healing abandonment on the ancestral soul level I came into contact with one of my female ancestors who died in childbirth, and how her only daughter survived, and was born into a family of men – many brothers and her father.
This young girl had never experienced a Mother’s love, that pure unconditional love, and where that love should have been in her heart, there was instead a black hole. As she grew and she too prepared for motherhood she felt the weight of guilt for having ‘killed’ her own Mother, and the fear that she too would die giving birth. Torn between the pain and the fear and not knowing a Mother’s love, in hopelessness and despair, anger and frustration she went on to abandon her child. The pattern was set and on through the bloodline it came.
While this healed many aspects of the abandoning energy within the family soul the work was still not complete on an individual level. The chronic discomfort this pattern manifested in the pit of my stomach (my solar plexus, my power centre) continued and finally shut me down in the summer of 2016.
This was the breaking point I had been waiting for, the moment I had been walking towards all of my life, although I didn’t know it at the time.
I simply stopped eating. I could no longer digest food. It was like my whole system stopped working, stopped wanting to nourish itself. The pain and discomfort in my stomach were simply too much. Already working consciously with my shadow, I knew something major was shifting, something was about to erupt and all I could do was surrender, pray and ask my kith and kin from the beyond the veil for help.
A few days into this a close friend lost her son unexpectedly, and what I experienced when the news arrived was a total breakdown into the depths of grief. The grief of my friend for her son had triggered something deep within me and that something exploded from the pit of my stomach. I was inconsolable, I collapsed in a heap of tears on the floor, and racks of raw pain heaved from my solar plexus up through my heart.
In the depth of this utter destruction came the words ‘there can be no love without grief’.
Like a gentle whisper coming through the ethers of my soul, these words reverberated and pounded in my heart. Through the tears and the uncontrollable grief, I was given the vision of how in my last lifetime I had abandoned my child, and the pain of it cracked me open like a nut.
I screamed for the child, I cried myself into despair and destitution, for it was a decision that would haunt me until the day I died. And haunt me it did, in that lifetime and beyond. This was the root of my abandonment, this was the karma I’d carried through my soul path.
This was why I manifested the same energy in this lifetime, this was resolution and the lost essence of soul I had been unconsciously searching for all of my life.
In that heap on the floor, I finally faced myself in the mirror and re-membered the pain, the suffering, the heartbreak and I embraced it, felt it, loved it, welcomed it and gave it light and expression and in doing so I released it. I let it go and made peace with myself.
Through this journey of unravelling the path of abandonment, I have brought deep understanding, clarity, healing and transformation into every aspect of my life.
I have come to be in deep gratitude to the woman who gave me the gift of birth and of life.
I have come to understand the depth and the power of forgiveness and how we all make decisions based on wounding, trauma and conditioning and how those decisions have an impact on the rest of our lives.
I have learnt how to forgive myself for the life and death decisions I made, my rejection of motherhood, and the all the times I too, abandoned myself and others.
I have come to understand the guilt, the shame, the despair, the anger, the frustration, the grief we carry around, and how we hide it from ourselves and the world, so nobody will judge, blame or shame us and add to our woes.
I have come to understand how we create stories and illusions to protect our already very delicate hearts from breaking more, to the point of no return.
And most of all, I have come to understand we cannot rush the depth of healing that needs to take place. Everything has its time and place on our individual path, and all will be revealed in its own good time, we simply have to be open and ready.
Our shadow is our greatest ally and friend, and when we learn to walk with her, we see how she has been giving us many pointers to the gifts we have buried and which she holds for us in her darkness until the day we are ready to reclaim them.
It has taken lifetimes to accumulate these patterns, and it will take a lifetime to unravel them if needs be.
There is a lot of potent energy stored and repressed within us, and to unleash it all at once would be detrimental to our lives. Be gentle, go easy, excavate with love and tenderness each layer that has been buried, allowing your emotions and your body to guide you.
You are a delicate garden full of seeds of great potential each waiting for the right moment to blossom and flourish.
ARTWORK – Gabriel Moreno https://gabrielmoreno.com/